I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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