i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
