someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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