I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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