There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
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