I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
