Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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