I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
