I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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