It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just gift wrapped bread.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Randomize
