Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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