i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize