I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
