there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
