He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
