census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
