Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
