So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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