I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize