i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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