why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
