I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
