That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
