You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
