As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
