I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
