Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so let's talk penis.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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