Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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