if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
