If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
