I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
