If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
