so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
