Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
