well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
