I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
