we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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