Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
