I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
