I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
