Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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