we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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