he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize