if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
