we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
