Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
