Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize