I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
