We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
