his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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