I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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