the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
