I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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