we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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