When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
