well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
