The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Shame - the story of my life.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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