Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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