It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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