I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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