If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
