I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
