I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
