We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
