I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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